The Sirius Guide to the Afterlife
by Sparklystuff
Summary: Post-DH. A special friend is dispatched to help welcome a certain Auror to life after death. R/T canon-ness. Oneshot.


_**A/N:** I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything. While looking for something on my computer I came across this fic which I wrote after Deathly Hallows came out, and for some reason never posted it here. This was written for a challenge on LJ; I believe the prompt was something about describing how a character is ushered into the afterlife. I of course chose to write about my favorite girl Tonks. I'm 99% sure this will be the last Tonks fic I ever post, so this is dedicated to everyone who's read all my previous fics and given me so many positive reviews and recs over the years. You will never know how much it has meant to me. Enjoy! xoxo sparklystuff _

* * *

This is not at all how someone is supposed to die.

Everything is bright as I feel my body slump to the ground. I try to gasp for air as my hands instinctively rush to my head, where a split second ago someone with unfortunately excellent aim had struck me with a curse.

"Bollocks," is all I can think of to say at this moment.

I open my eyes—which I hadn't realized were closed until now—and notice that this is not a stone floor, this is no longer Hogwarts, and there are no longer loads of people and spells rushing around me.

In fact it is very quiet, and still. Too still. But not for long.

"Nymphadora Tonks!" a voice cries, a voice that I could swear I recognize from somewhere back in the dusty recesses of my brain, but I can't possibly be right. "Or should I say, Nymphadora Lupin? Tonks-Lupin? Pinky?"

I stand up, very effortlessly somehow. "Who the fuck just called me Nympha—"

No way. No, it's simply not possible. This is a dream, or a cruel hallucination brought on by some trick of Voldemort, or too many spicy sausages before bed.

"About time you showed up," says Sirius Black, clean shaven and sporting nice trousers, a T-shirt and a blazer. He cleans up rather well, for a dead man. "Rather nasty, the way she got you. You didn't see it coming at all."

I squint.

"You're dead," I state.

"A very astute observation. I can see why they made you an Auror," he replies dryly. "However, the important detail I've come to discuss is that you too, are now dead. And the powers that be have dispatched me to welcome you into the afterlife." He spreads his arms wide. "Ta-da! Welcome, dear cousin and friend-in-law."

"Excuse me?" I reply, laughing. "That can't be right."

"Well, if I'm dead, and you're talking to me—"

"You're a ghost, then."

He pauses, then walks up to me and plants a kiss straight on my lips.

"Get off of me, you prat! What is wrong with you?!" I shove him away. "I am a married woman!"

"If I were a ghost, you wouldn't have felt that," he replies, his face smug. "You would have felt cold air, or something much less pleasant I am sure. Also, there is the matter of my shirt."

He unbuttons the blazer and whips it open with a flourish. Bold letters on the shirt read,

IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU'RE DEAD.

"Ha ha, clever," I say. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a battle I need to get back to." As this is obviously some stupid dream, I start desperately trying to wake myself up. I'm sure I'm just lying unconscious somewhere. I can't possibly be _dead_, I'm only in my twenties! And a new mother after all.

I start pinching myself, hard. Everywhere. Harder and harder.

It's not working.

So I begin smacking myself, running around in circles, until I (purposely, for once in my life) trip over a chair and land on my bum. I still can't get myself to wake up.

Meanwhile, Sirius (if it's really him, quite doubtful) is watching my antics with far too much amusement. "Are you done yet?"

"Get me back to Hogwarts," I seethe. "I have to help Remus, and the others. They need me!"

"Oh yes, Remus," says Sirius, walking over to a large window. Except it's some kind of enchanted window, because through it I can see deep inside Hogwarts. I can see Remus running down a staircase, angrily shooting spells at someone.

Sirius sighs. "Yeah, he's busy trying to avenge your death right now. Too bad he's going to kill himself in the process. Idiot." He looks at an invisible watch on his wrist. "He should be joining us momentarily."

"No!" I shout in despair. "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Sirius grabs me. "How many times do I have to tell you? You. Are. Dead. There's no going back. Believe me, if there was a loophole, some secret way to get around it, I would have figured it out by now."

His smile fades for a split second, and I realize how right he is—that if anyone could figure out how to cheat death, it would have been Sirius Black. But he didn't.

I stare at him.

"You still don't believe me," he says. "That wounds me, Tonksie, that you don't believe me. That really gets me right here." He pounded his fist over his heart. "Oh, wait a minute, that's right," he adds. "I don't feel anything because my heart's not beating. And neither is yours."

I gasp and put my hand straight over my heart.

It's not beating. It's still and suddenly feels hollow.

"I need to sit down," I say, and slump into the chair I launched myself at a minute ago.

Is this really it? I'm dead? My head spins.

"There has to be another way," I say. I can't accept this.

"Well, there is always the option of having Voldemort turn you into an Inferi…but while some may find that an acceptable lifestyle choice, that's not a path that I would recommend for you. As curious as I am to see a fuschia-haired zombie."

Sirius stands across the room staring at me, arms folded over his chest, while I try not to hyperventilate. Then I realize I can't hyperventilate, because I'm not breathing in any air, which only makes me want to hyperventilate more. Bah!

"So," says Sirius, "while you're sitting there finally coming to terms with your mortality, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

I look at him wearily. "Shoot."

"Why are we here?"

I stare at him. Being a corpse must have rotted his brain. Oh, well, naturally.

"What I mean is," answers Sirius, still with a patience I never expected him to have, "why are we _here?_" He points at the floor.

It's now that I actually register where we are. It is nothing like how I imagined heaven, or even purgatory, to be. It's a room, with wood floors. No, it's not a room. It's a shop. With brooms on the walls.

Oh Merlin's fuzzy bunny slippers. It's Quality Quidditch Supplies.

We're in a bloody Quidditch shop.

"Are you telling me," I say slowly, "that I'm dead, and that there's some kind of vortex to the afterlife hidden inside Quality Quidditch Supplies?" This just gets better and better.

"Not exactly. The _gateway_ to the afterlife—" oh potayto, potahto—"manifests itself differently to each individual. It means this location must have some kind of deep-seated meaning for you."

I stare at him blankly. "Do I come across as much of an athlete to you? I never even set foot in this shop, except for that one time—" Oh.

_Ohhhhh._

"What?" asks Sirius.

I purse my lips, trying to find the best way to word this to someone who is, technically, related to me. "Um. Er. There was this one time, a while back, when Remus and I came here to buy a birthday gift for Harry. And, long story short, we sort of got locked in. And, erm…."

"And?"

"This is where….ah….Teddy was most likely…ah…conceived."

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS MAGICAL I KNEW I SHOULDN'T ASK!"

I shove my face into my hands, unable to look Sirius straight in the face. Then again, who could blame me for having a special place in my heart for that shop after that? Suddenly I am grateful that it's Sirius that's come to usher me into the afterlife, and not, say, my dad. I'm so grateful that I even ignore it a few moments later when Sirius starts cracking jokes about how he has always been skeptical of _"how well Remus maneuvers his broomstick."_

Then I process something else Sirius has said.

"Remus dies? But then who will take care of Teddy?" I sink back down into the chair in despair. "My baby…I won't even see him grow up."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Teddy is going to be fine, he's going to go live with your mum."

"How do you know?"

"Because, once you join the collective consciousness of the universe, you'll find that you have access to a vast amount of information, including what happens in the future and past on the space-time continuum," he says with an exasperated tone, as if this is something obvious that I ought to already know.

My face is already wet with tears. "But I won't see him grow up," I say, my voice cracking. Fate has some cruel, cruel timing.

"You'll still get to see everything. Don't you know James, Lily, Dumbledore and I have been watching over Harry all this time? We'll all watch over Teddy together too. You won't miss anything. And he's going to be just fine. I swear it." And for once, Sirius actually looked….serious.

We sit in silence for a moment. (Well, I sit in silence, chewing on my lip, while Sirius paces back and forth, peering into the 'window' every so often. I can't bring myself to look.)

This is ridiculous. This is not how people are supposed to die. When people die they are supposed to be in a place full of clouds and sunshine, surrounded by angels and saints and welcomed by loved ones and ancestors.

Not stuck in a sport shop with one's husband's whack-job best mate from school.

Then again, life isn't all rainbows and sunshine, so what makes us think the afterlife is?

"So what happens now?" I say quietly.

"Whenever you're ready," he replies, pointing to the front door of the shop, "you just walk through that door. Cross the threshold, if you will."

I walk up to the door and can already see a bright light peeking around the edges. I put a hand on it. It feels warm, and suddenly all I feel is peace. Tranquility.

Love.

"See, it's not so bad," Sirius says with a smile. "And there's an all-you-can-eat-buffet."

I let out a genuine laugh for the first time in what already feels like an eternity. "Well why didn't you say anything earli—"

*POP*

It's Remus, who has suddenly appeared in a crouching position, probably from trying to fend off whatever attack killed him. Oh, my love.

"Remus!" I cry and run over to him.

"Ah, right on schedule," remarks Sirius, looking at his invisible watch again.

I help my rather disheveled husband to his feet. I see his brown eyes try to take in whatever is happening.

"Dora? Where are we? What happened? Where---_Sirius?"_

"Moony, old chap!" Sirius slaps him hard on the back. "Wow, you look like shit! Wonderful of you to join us."

Remus looks at both Sirius and I, wild-eyed. "How is this possible?"

"That is an excellent question, my old friend," Sirius answers cheerfully, "which I will leave for your wife to answer."

"_Wot?_" I exclaim.

Sirius raises an eyebrow. "Well, I have filled you in on everything, haven't I?" He strolls over to the door. "I'll be back to check on you two shortly. If I'm not back in an hour….well, it really doesn't matter, as time has no meaning here. Cheers!"

And with that he is gone.

I stare at the spot where Sirius has just been, my eyes wide. I slowly turn to look at my husband, who seems to mirror my expression.

"Dora?"

And for the second time in less than a year, I find myself saying, "You'd better sit down for this, love."


End file.
